What in the world just happened here? If you’ve ever witnessed a narcissistic injury, that was probably your reaction. At least it was my reaction every time I encountered this situation. Whenever you bear witness to a narcissistic injury, it’s incredibly confusing. You don’t understand how you got from point A to point B, and that was something that kind of always bothered me. So, I’ve done a lot of research on the topic to figure out what it is, what’s really going on there, how to handle it, and what it all means for me.
So, in this article, I’m going to talk through six things you need to know about narcissistic injury. Stay with me!
What is a narcissistic injury?
A narcissistic injury usually looks like a very disproportionate, angry reaction to a trigger that you may not have even known was a trigger. It could be something simple; it could be a question like, “Well, why didn’t you do that?” and suddenly, that person is off in a rage. Oh, what just happened here? It’s confusing; it’s incredibly confusing because you weren’t looking for a fight. Or, in some cases, maybe you were in an argument and you were saying something that you knew was somewhat triggering, but you didn’t think it was gonna go from here to here like that. It’s confusing because you’ve never experienced this with anyone else before.
The reason you’ve never experienced it before is because it’s a narcissistic injury that you’re witnessing. So, you probably aren’t gonna witness anything really like this with someone else unless that person is dealing with some serious stuff. And in that case, if they present a disproportionately angry reaction to something you’ve done, if it’s not a narcissist, that person will probably realize and apologize.
The second thing we need to know about a narcissistic injury is what’s going on beneath the surface. This is the really, really important part that kind of tied it all together for me. When you’re dealing with it, when you’re in that and you’re just being screamed at or whatever it is that the narcissist does to hurt you when they’re angry, you’re incredibly confused. Like, what did I do that was so bad to deserve this kind of reaction? How could I have hurt this person so badly? And you know, at the same time, they’re saying things, doing things that are triggering to you, so you’re getting angry.
What’s going on here is actually kind of interesting, and it makes so much sense. The reason why it’s so confusing is because it doesn’t really have a lot to do with you or what you did. Whatever happened, whatever you did or said was a trigger, so yes, you were involved; you played some role in what was going on here. But in most cases, it is a very innocent role. You have no idea that you’re going to hurt this person to this level. From there, it all has to do with what’s going on inside the narcissist.
The anger that they’re projecting upon you gives you a hint of how they’re actually feeling inside. We know that the narcissist hides and projects a false self, a false persona that they believe in and need to believe in. The narcissistic injury pokes holes in that false persona that they can see. In that moment, they can see, “Okay, maybe I’m not perfect; maybe this grandiose self isn’t real.” That ends up being incredibly painful because when they poke holes in that false self, they can see what’s underneath, and what’s underneath is usually a lot of hurt, a lot of pain, and shame.
So, the anger is another defense mechanism; it is the last-ditch effort for them to stop seeing who they really are, to stop seeing their true colors, which isn’t the anger; it’s what lies beneath the anger. It’s a lot of pain, shame, loneliness—it’s not good stuff. Instead of seeing that and facing that, they use you to make themselves feel better. Now, from everything we know about narcissism, this makes perfect sense. Narcissists are selfish to the point that they will hurt other people to get what they want. In the case of narcissistic injury, what they want is to stop feeling pain.
You’re going to be incredibly confused because all this rage—it’s in direct proportion to the pain that they’re feeling, and none of that has anything to do with you or what you said. What you said or did was just a trigger that initiated this response that has everything to do with the narcissist and nothing to do with you. When you look at it in terms of how we usually respond to people, it’s cause and effect: “I did this, so you did that.” We would kind of have a feel for what’s normal, what’s not, what’s right, and what’s wrong, what’s fair, and what’s unfair. Then, when you experience a narcissistic injury, it doesn’t fall into any of those categories; it’s just way out there.
Now we’re going on to three common causes of narcissistic injury.
1. Criticism
The first very, very common cause is a real or perceived criticism. You can actually criticize a narcissist and cause a narcissistic injury. Not every criticism will cause a narcissistic injury; it very much depends on the person and their pain and what they’ve experienced in their lives. It probably also has a lot to do with their current state. You know, if they’re having a bad day, it’s probably easier to poke holes in that false self.
But the perceived criticism is where it gets really interesting because these are the cases where it’s just incredibly confusing. So, there’s a saying going around that you can cause a narcissistic injury by asking a narcissist to pass the salt. It’s kind of a funny saying, but if you’ve ever caused an injury by a perceived criticism that was actually not a criticism, you understand the relevance of that saying. Having been through the experiences that I have, I actually don’t doubt that saying something like “Can you pass the salt?” could cause a narcissistic injury.
I once asked the narcissistic person in my life to sit at the dinner table instead of sitting on the couch. It was seconds before I had this person this far away from my face, already screaming—screaming to the point where I was just covered in spit. I was drenched in spit because he was screaming at me. I’m like, “Um, I don’t understand why you’re so angry,” but it wouldn’t stop. He couldn’t let go of the anger; he had to keep attacking me. I wasn’t even fighting back because it was so ridiculous.
2. Boundaries.
The second common cause of narcissistic injury is strictly enforced boundaries, especially at first. When you first set a boundary with a narcissist, if they’re used to walking all over you, as they like to do with everybody, if you stop them from doing that, they’re going to feel violated. In reality, you’re not violating anyone else; you’re just protecting yourself. You’re not reaching out and hurting anybody; you’re just saying, “Here’s my line, and you cannot cross it.” That is a very, very real threat to a narcissist because they need to cross that boundary in order to feel real. So, your boundary is going to be a threat to them, and that could lead to a narcissistic injury.
3. Accountability.
The third common cause of narcissistic injury is any attempt to hold the narcissist accountable for their actions. This will happen more often with something that is a little bit more severe. For example, if you caught the narcissist cheating and you’re just trying to prove it, or maybe trying to prove it to other people, or the same with stealing or lying. Think of it as anything that would change someone’s perception of the narcissist. Anything that would chip away at that false self, that false persona—this is a great person; they would never do these things—will definitely cause a narcissistic injury. Sometimes it could even be things that aren’t quite as severe, but that’s gonna very much depend on the case.
The other thing you need to know about a narcissistic injury is that you shouldn’t cause one intentionally. I’m going to talk through why and what you should do instead. One reason why you shouldn’t cause a narcissistic injury intentionally is because it’s really not something that we should be trying to do: hurt other people. Even if those people have hurt us, even if they deserve it, it’s not our job to enforce karma. We have to let it go, or else we will invite that bad karma upon ourselves, and it will come back eventually. So, it’s not a good idea for that reason to intentionally cause a narcissistic injury.
Another reason why it’s a bad idea is because it could really be unsafe. You don’t want to intentionally hurt somebody who is emotionally unstable, even if this person hasn’t been physically violent before. But especially if they have been physically violent, it’s just never wise to intentionally set someone off in a rage.
Instead of causing a narcissistic injury, what you should do is try to get yourself safely away from this person as much as you possibly can. Some people still need to have the narcissist in their lives, or they choose to for whatever reason, but you do still need to have that person in your life, or want to set the boundaries. If you don’t need that person in your life, just find a way to get out. Walk away—either just do it cold turkey, “I’m out of here,” or gradually get yourself out. Everyone has a different situation, so you do what you feel is right for you and do what you feel is going to be the safest for you.
The other thing you should know about a narcissistic injury is how to protect yourself. This one is especially for those people who still have to be with a narcissist in their lives or have to have a narcissist in their lives for whatever reason. The first thing you can do to protect yourself is to understand the narcissistic injury for what it is, and that you don’t have to get swept up in that craziness because it’s not yours.
The second thing you can do to protect yourself—and the first thing will help—is do not engage. Understanding that this is not your craziness that’s going on here, just don’t engage. Do what you can to diffuse the situation and get away. Even if it’s just saying whatever the narcissist wants to hear, whatever it is, just diffuse it and get away because no good is going to come of arguing at this point.
The other thing we need to know about narcissistic injuries is what to take away from the experience. It’s a very unpleasant experience, and if you’ve been through it, you definitely know. The best takeaway that I’ve found in this is the danger of anger. Anger has a role, and we shouldn’t necessarily judge ourselves for being angry. When you’re getting over narcissistic abuse, anger is an important part of the process, but it’s not a place that we should really stay. Anger, in general, is not super productive.
One thing that we can take away and work on for ourselves is just being aware of whenever we’re feeling anger and how we’re handling it with the people around us. If there’s anything that we can do to work on the other feelings that we’re having, to maybe improve our own situation so that we don’t have to feel angry anymore, easier said than done. But in the case of a narcissistic injury and this stuff that we’ve seen and witnessed, we can see how incredibly damaging anger can be. So, if we do nothing more than just make ourselves aware of when we are angry and why we’re angry and what’s really going on, then that could be something that we take away from this experience that was terrible and turn it into something positive.
Read More: Narcissists and Karma: Revenge Comes Naturally When You Do This.
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