7 Things to Expect When You Go No Contact With a Narcissist -

Before we get started, I want to highlight one of your comments because there are some real gems in the comment section. This commenter says:

“Just heard from mine after 9 months of no contact. I just got the accidental text, a few texts back and forth, and he said he’s engaged. I won’t lie; it hurts him giving her everything he spoke to me about. I’ve gone back into no contact. Is that the right thing to do?”

I’ll go ahead and answer that: yes, it absolutely is the right thing to do. No contact is not right for everyone in every situation; it’s a very personal choice. Sometimes your life may be so intertwined with the other person that it’s not even an option, so no judgment on people who decide not to go no contact. But if you can go no contact, that is the best option.

And this is a good one to look at up front because there’s a lesson here. If that number was blocked, this person would have never gotten that text. So that’s one area where you might be vulnerable. If you leave these lines of communication open, then you’re going to be open to communication. In this case, for this commenter, it wasn’t a hoovering attempt; it was an attempt to hurt this person, and it worked.

But one more thing I want to say about this before we move on to the next thing is that we can get really wrapped up in our own stuff, right? In our own stories, the narratives that we have about how this situation is affecting us. But there’s more to any story. If you take a step back and look at it objectively, you can see things for what they really are.

Imagine that you were in a relationship with someone, you just got engaged, and your fiancé was sending that accidental text to throw it in that person’s face. How would you feel? Does that sound like a situation that you would want to be in? Because I don’t know about you, but it doesn’t sound like something I would want.

Tactics Narcissists Use After No Contact:

#1: Nostalgic Picture Messages.

The first thing you can expect after going no contact with a narcissist is to have old pictures pop up. This might happen on social media; you might see that they start posting old pictures, or they might be sending them to you via text, direct message, or email—however it is that they choose to get to you. These will be pictures of happier times. This is to bring up feelings of nostalgia and to get you to remember the times that just weren’t so bad. If you take the bait, you’ll start reminiscing and thinking about the times that you actually enjoyed spending time with this person.

It’s very difficult to think about the bad and the good at the same exact time. So if you’ve just gone no contact, you’re probably already in a vulnerable place, and then when you get the pictures, you’re in an even more vulnerable place. Because regardless of what you were thinking before, when you see those pictures, they’re going to bring up feelings, and that’s going to put you in an even more vulnerable position. So then, when they follow up with whatever they follow up with, you’re much more likely to take the bait.

#2: The “Let’s Be Friends” Trap.

The next thing you might expect if you were in a romantic relationship with a narcissist is the “let’s be friends” conversation or text. Again, this is only a conversation that you’re going to get if you leave the lines of communication open. If you don’t do a firm no contact and block everywhere, of course, there are cases where people are really good friends with their exes, and there’s nothing inappropriate going on. This is not the case with a narcissist.

Let’s look at a comment:

“My ex-narc never came back. Well, unless the ‘let’s be friends’ routine counts. I agreed, only for her to smear me and totally try to destroy me mentally.”

So often, when this “let’s be friends” thing happens with exes, it’s usually that they cross lines that they don’t respect your boundaries, and that they look at the friends thing as a back door to sneak their way back into your life. But this one is an interesting twist and also very possible. If you discard a narcissist, it’s kind of like when somebody gets fired and they say, “No, no, no, you can’t fire me; I quit!” They need to be the ones to make the decision. They need to be the ones in control and power. So, if you discard them first, do not take back a narcissist because it’s all about revenge at that point. They want to show you who’s boss and that you can’t make these kinds of decisions.

#3: Retaliation and Threats.

Another thing you might experience when you go no contact with a narcissist is that if they have anything against you, they will very likely use it against you. They may do this in varying forms of friendliness. It might be an all-out threat, might be super nasty, or they might just be friendly and subtly imply that they’re going to destroy you. It really depends on what they’re looking to get and what they have on you.

Also, I will mention that oftentimes a narcissist doesn’t have anything on you, but they will imply that they do, and this can really get you thinking about anything you’ve ever done in your life and how they might hold it against you. So when it comes to threats like this, do not assume that they’re only empty threats. It’s very possible that a narcissist will follow through.

But the only good news, I guess you could call it a silver lining, is that a narcissist will usually threaten first because they like to have that power and control over you. This is by far probably the best and most common reason I hear that people have gone no contact but have not blocked the narcissist. When someone fears retaliation, oftentimes they want to see what’s coming their way. They want to see, so maybe they can report it to someone or at least somehow be prepared.

#4: Emotional Blackmail.

The next thing you might expect from a narcissist after you go no contact is emotional blackmail. This can happen through other people if you have blocked the narcissist, or it could happen over text or a phone call if you have not blocked them. This usually looks something like: “If you loved me, you’d do this.” Or maybe they have a sob story or some kind of victim story coming back to you, implying that you could have saved them or helped them if only you were in contact with them.

So really, what they’re doing here is trying to make you feel guilty, trying to make you feel responsible for their life somehow, and their happiness. But you are not responsible for someone else’s life and someone else’s happiness.

Let’s look at a comment:

“We aren’t committed, so it’s not cheating. If you loved me, you’d be happy. I have friends who care about me.” I could go on and on. He’s attempting to hoover now, and I’d be lying if I didn’t want to take him back so I can send proof to the new girl.

#5: “Chance” Encounters.

Another thing you might expect when you go no contact with a narcissist is that they might show up out of the blue if they know you’re going to be somewhere. This is what we call the “chance encounter.” This is a chance encounter that’s not really a chance encounter because it’s planned. So if you go to a specific church at a specific time, they’re going to show up to that mass. If they know you do your grocery shopping on a certain day of the week or a certain time of day, they’re going to show up there too.

Yes, they may show up every day until they finally have that chance encounter, and usually, this one is for the purposes of a hoovering attempt. They’re trying to get an emotional reaction out of you; they’re trying to kind of test the waters and see how you react when you see them.

But if you have gone no contact, it’s extremely intrusive, and it can be very, very off-putting. So if you want to avoid this one, I would say try to switch things up. Try to change up your routine, at least for the first few months after going no contact, if you can. I’m not suggesting that you completely change your life, but if you want to avoid the chance encounter, it’s probably a good idea to just make some changes to your routine.

#6: Flying Monkeys.

Another thing you might expect after going no contact with a narcissist is that they’ll use other people to get to you. They may do it in the form of manipulating other people to keep tabs on you. They might ask people to keep an eye on you, or they might ask people to report back what’s going on in your life. It might sound like it would be difficult for them to get other people to do this, but unfortunately for a narcissist, it’s not very difficult. They are good at manipulating people in this way, and they usually have people who are ready and willing to do their bidding. These are what we call “flying monkeys.”

Let’s look at a comment:

“My narc mom has used extended family members to spy on me or just do her bidding. Being toxic, been on no contact for a long time now, and I am more used to living without her in my life. A few times we’ve had to be in each other’s presence at family events, and I was beyond uncomfortable.”

So, a narcissistic mother will find it very easy to manipulate people into spying on her children. All she has to do is play the victim to imply that the child is going through some crazy phase and hates her, and she’s done nothing wrong.

#7: Smear Campaigns.

Another thing that a narcissist may do after you go no contact is spread lies about you. These can be blatant, in-your-face lies, and oftentimes, when this happens, it’s for the purposes of getting to you and getting a reaction out of you. Because they know it’s a lie, you know it’s a lie, and if you happen to hear it, you’re going to want to confront them. Because why would they think they could spread such blatant, in-your-face lies?

But if you do confront them, you are giving them exactly what they’re after. They were spreading the lies because they wanted you to come back and confront them. Remember, narcissists don’t always want positive attention; negative attention is fine for them, too. They’re perfectly happy with the drama as long as they’re pulling your strings.

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