The number one sign that a narcissist will never change is that they’re a narcissist. But what if you don’t know if the person you’re dealing with is truly a narcissist, or if you think you’re going to be the one to get them to see they need to change?
Before you make any decisions on staying put, I want you to read this article till the end and listen to all the seven signs that a narcissist will not change. Because if you’re seeing these signs, you absolutely should expect more of the same for as long as you’re willing to put up with it. So, let’s dive right in.
#1: They have a lack of self-awareness.
The number one sign that a narcissist will not change is that they have a lack of self-awareness, and this is something that will be very apparent. These are people who will see and point out flaws in other people, but they don’t necessarily see them in themselves. Or if they do see them, they don’t see any reason to change, for better or worse—usually worse. They are able to justify whatever they do, so even if they’re exhibiting the same things that they’re seeing and pointing out in you as bad, that’s projection. When they do it, it’s justified; they have a reason—you made them do it.
If you have done any self-work, you know this is a really big part of transformation. You need that self-awareness in order to be able to work on yourself and to see your undesirable characteristics and aspects for what they are.
#2: They actively engage in blame shifting.
Another sign that a narcissist will never change is that they actively engage in blame shifting. Blame shifting is exactly as it sounds: when they shift the blame to you for virtually anything, so they cannot be the problem. Therefore, you have to be the problem. This points to an incredible lack of accountability, and if you’re in a relationship with someone like this, you probably relate to always taking accountability for things that are yours, and maybe sometimes even taking accountability for things that are not yours.
But you’re going to feel like you’re the only one who’s working on things and the only one who’s trying to make some improvements to save the relationship. Most people do get tired of this. At some point, you’re going to realize that this person does not take accountability, and even more than that, they want you to take accountability for everything and to take the blame for everything. You’re going to get tired of being the scapegoat. So, if someone is actively engaged in blame shifting and they’re not letting it go, this is not someone who wants to change, even if they’re telling you that they’re going to.
#3: Grandiosity.
Another sign that a narcissist is not going to change—and this one is not quite as obvious—but it is grandiosity. It is definitely an obvious sign of narcissism, but the connection between grandiosity and an inability to change is not always so clear. Really, what this is, is that if somebody thinks they’re better than you, they’re not going to see any need to listen to what you have to say and to take notes from you.
So, if they’re engaging in behaviors that hurt your feelings, well, so what? Why should they care? If someone truly thinks they’re better than you, they’re not going to be motivated to change for you.
#4: They’re manipulative.
Another sign that a narcissist is not going to change is that they’re manipulative. If somebody is actively manipulating you for their personal gain, especially when it is at your expense—when you’re losing and they’re winning—this is not somebody who is going to change easily. Manipulation is a severe form of dishonesty and trickery. So, if somebody is going to these lengths to get what they want out of you—especially if they’re doing it consistently—even if they wanted to change, it would be a difficult path.
Because somebody who is so used to manipulating to get their way is somebody who uses people as pawns. This is probably somebody who looks at every situation transactionally: “What can I get out of this?” and they’re not really caring a whole lot about who they hurt to get there.
#5: They have a fragile ego.
Another sign that a narcissist is not changing anytime soon is that they have a fragile ego. Yes, it is one of the hallmark signs of narcissism. If you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around this person, especially when they’ve done something to hurt your feelings, they are very deep into their patterns. Because if they can’t handle you telling them that their behavior, their words, or whatever hurt your feelings, if they can’t have an adult, productive conversation about it, then their ego is too fragile to handle any sort of criticism.
And don’t get me wrong; no one likes to have these difficult conversations. We don’t need to expect smooth sailing all of the time. But if they’re always shutting you down and you feel like you’re going to get yelled at or shut out simply by talking about your feelings, then this is a sign that that person is not going to change anytime soon.
#6: They are entitled.
Another sign that a narcissist is not changing is that they are entitled. They’re entitled to your time, they’re entitled to cross your boundaries, they’re entitled to do whatever they want to you, but yet you have to follow a very strict, ever-changing list of rules. Again, this goes back to the grandiosity; they feel like they’re better than you, so they don’t have to play by the same rules that you do. In fact, they feel like you should be lucky that they’re even entertaining this relationship with you. So, you better act right, or they’re out of here.
#7: They have a lack of empathy.
The final sign that a narcissist is not changing anytime soon is that they have a lack of empathy. Now, a lack of emotional empathy is what we’re talking about here, and that is not the cognitive empathy to understand that they can do something that can hurt your feelings. It’s the ability to really relate and connect with those feelings and to care about them. This usually shows up in very cold and callous ways.
If you’ve been with somebody who has low empathy or no empathy, you know exactly what I’m talking about. It’s more than just being a little bit mean sometimes; it’s about completely shutting someone out, maybe when they’re at the worst point in their lives, and for no apparent reason.
Read More: What Happens When The Narcissist Loses Control Over You?
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