If someone is gaslighting you, they are gradually and consistently trying to override your sense of what is real with whatever they want you to think or believe. If you have experienced this before, there are definitely reasons why you may have missed the early signs. But in this article, I wanted to talk through five red flags that someone is gaslighting you, because these signs will help you recognize what it looks like in the other person. So, if you start to get to know somebody and you’re seeing some of these signs, even if they’re light to begin with, that’s how it usually starts. Take these things as major red flags that there could be some serious gaslighting in your future if you continue on the path with this person.
#1: Denial and dismissal.
The first thing you might notice is denial and dismissal. They might start to question your memory of certain events, or they might completely dismiss you and your feelings. If this is a friendship, or if it’s a newer romantic relationship, and let’s say you get into your first argument, if this person does not accept that you have whatever feelings you have about what happened, that is a major, major red flag. We can have differences of opinion on exactly how the events went down because our experiences can be a little bit subjective, but those differences should be subtle.
For example, if someone was absolutely screaming red in the face, saliva spewing everywhere, and you see the vein popping out of their forehead, right? You remember that in detail, and they say, “Oh, well, I didn’t yell.” There’s a serious issue there, and that person is trying to gaslight you into believing that they’re not abusive, that it just wasn’t a big deal, and that you’re overreacting. I want to be very clear: this is not something you should take lightly, regardless of how you feel about this person. Otherwise, gaslighting can be very serious, and if you’re noticing it early on in the relationship, it is a major, major red flag. You should consider whether you want that person in your life or not, because the closer they get to you, the more they can hurt you.
#2: Constantly contradicting themselves.
Another sign that someone might be gaslighting you is that they’re constantly contradicting themselves. This can show up in a few different ways. Let’s say, just as one example, maybe they told you a story, and you’re very sure of the events of the story. You remember very specific things, and then they tell you the story again, and it’s different. You question them on it, and they tell you that you’re wrong: “It’s my story; of course, I remember it.” If there are patterns of this happening, it’s very clear that the person is lying about the story. They can’t keep the events straight in order to tell a consistent story, and it’s concerning that they’re telling lies. That’s definitely a red flag in and of itself, but the bigger red flag is that they’re trying to make you look like the problem because you’re calling out their lies.
So, if you meet someone who does this and you can walk away from that, that’s definitely a path that I would seriously consider. This is a very clear sign of abusive behavior because the person who’s telling the story knows the lie. They know they’re lying, and they’re totally comfortable blaming you and making you feel like, “Oh, maybe I remembered it wrong.” They’re totally comfortable making you doubt yourself, and that is not okay. Take this as a glaring neon sign that this person is showing you exactly who they are. This is their character right here. Is that someone you want in your life?
#3: Undermine your confidence.
Another red flag of gaslighting that you may notice early on is that someone undermines your confidence. They may do this, especially at first, jokingly by belittling you or mocking you. This can seem kind of like good-natured negging, but nagging in and of itself is not really good-natured. But ultimately, if someone is putting you down and making you feel like you need to prove yourself in any way, or if they’re making fun of you—making jokes at your expense—if they come up with nicknames for you that are a little bit insulting and you tell them that it’s insulting, that it hurts your feelings, and they keep doing it anyway because they think it’s funny, this is a red flag that there’s some more abusive behavior coming down the line.
This one can be easy to overlook because a lot of times, people who are guilty of this are very charming. They do it in a way where you think they’re trying to be cute or funny. So, even if you don’t like it, everything else about this person is really charming, and so you kind of just sweep it under the rug. But if they’re making jokes at your expense and you let them know that you don’t like it, yet they still keep doing it, this person is showing a severe lack of respect for you, and that is never a good start to anything.
#4: Manipulative distortions.
The next red flag usually happens a little bit further into the relationship, and here we’re talking about manipulative distortions. You may have seen something with your own eyes, and the other person tells you it didn’t happen or it didn’t happen that way. Much later in the relationship, this is used to cover up some pretty big and serious things, but early on, it might start out small. It might be like you stop at the store and you see that person have a conversation with somebody, and so they come back in the car and you say, “Oh, who was that?” Their response is, “I don’t know what you’re talking about. The person you were talking to? I wasn’t talking to anybody.” So that’s just an example of how it could play out.
Early on, it might start happening with things where you don’t know why the person would lie about it. It’s incredibly confusing, and so you kind of just write it off, and you start doubting yourself. Maybe you know what you saw, but you start doubting that it’s a red flag because you don’t think that anyone would intentionally be so bold as to tell you that you didn’t see what you actually saw. So, if you’re noticing things like this—things that don’t add up, like you’re not sure why somebody would lie about something like that—but you know that they were lying because you saw it with your own eyes, that is a major, major red flag.
#5: Isolation.
The next red flag is related to isolation, and this usually happens a little bit later in the relationship. It’ll start gradually, so it might be something like, “You remember that fight we had? You do not talk about that to anybody. That is our business.” They can make you feel like you’re part of some sort of club, like this is some exclusive thing that you have going on that’s so special between you two. No one else would understand, so you don’t talk about certain things to other people. Or if you’ve experienced signs of gaslighting, they might say something like, “Well, you have all these crazy stories, and I really hope you’re not going out telling other people all this stuff that you believe.” This person clearly does not want you to have outside influences weighing in on your thoughts and opinions. Someone who’s gaslighting you is going to want the exclusive on what you think and believe. They want to be the only ones shaping that.
So, if you’re seeing signs that someone’s trying to isolate you, take that as a very major red flag. I do hope that these red flags help you identify when people have malicious intent before it gets to the point of serious gaslighting.
Read More: Top 10 Ways Narcissists Test You Early On.
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