A relationship with a narcissist may seem like a fairy tale at first, especially if you’ve never encountered this kind of manipulation before. You may think that this couldn’t happen to you, but narcissists are very skilled at drawing in even intelligent, emotionally mature, and successful people with their charm and love-bombing tactics. It’s easy to get swept up in the whirlwind of affection and promises, only to later realize that this perfect romance is just part of a toxic cycle.
Today, we are explaining the toxic dynamics between a narcissist and someone who is fairly well-adjusted, at least before meeting the narcissist. This means they don’t have a serious mental illness, personality disorder, or history of toxic relationships. So, we will explain how the love bombing, followed by devaluation and discard, creates intense emotional highs and lows that often result in emotional dependence or addiction. You may end up working very hard for crumbs of the narcissist’s affection and approval while they walk all over you.
Related: 10 Weird Mannerisms of People Abused By Narcissists.
STAGE 1: The Love Bombing Phase.
In the early stage of the relationship, the narcissist will pull out all the stops. The first few weeks, maybe even months, are euphoric and intoxicating, like a turbocharged honeymoon stage. The narcissist is showering you with affection, gifts, constant communication, and attention, along with promises of everlasting love and security. They create this illusion of deep emotional connection and devotion, making you feel like you have found someone truly unique and special.
It may feel like a dream come true as the narcissist feeds into all of your hopes and dreams, presenting this picture-perfect version of themselves and what the relationship will be. Because you don’t know the narcissist yet, you may fall for all this flattery and start buying into the shared fantasy, even if on some level you might be thinking this is too good to be true. Of course, the truth is they are not offering genuine love; they are offering a constructed image, a persona, a fantasy that they’ve created to attract validation, adoration, services, and resources.
In the case of a covert narcissist, they’re more subtle but equally manipulative. They act kind, compassionate, and attentive, drawing you in with their sensitive persona. They might present themselves as a misunderstood empath who has finally found someone who truly understands them, casting you into the role of being their savior and soulmate. Now, even a healthy person can fall for this and get sucked into the shared fantasy. A narcissist is good at getting others emotionally invested before they start revealing their true nature.
Suggested Book: It’s Not You _ Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People.
Once you’re hooked, the illusion starts to crumble, and you realize something is seriously off, at least on a logical level. You might ignore it because you’re already emotionally hooked, maybe even addicted. So, you’ll lie to yourself, trying to convince yourself that it’s not that bad or that you’re overreacting, giving them the benefit of the doubt. This leads you into a circular loop of self-doubt and anxiety. If you saw someone else in this situation, it would be crystal clear to you that it’s toxic and psychologically abusive. You would have no hesitation about telling them to get out and stop tolerating the abuse.
But when it’s happening to you, your emotions cloud your judgment, and you might stick around hoping that things will go back to the way they were in the beginning, continuing to believe that the future promises may still come true. So, you hold on, thinking things will get better, even though deep down you know that’s not going to happen. Why? Because you’ve already been around the same circle so many times.
More and more, you will see their lack of accountability, blame-shifting, playing the victim, and all these other tactics they rely on to get attention, validation, special treatment, services, and resources. If you try to talk to them about their behavior or set boundaries, you’ll either be discarded, or you will go into stage two, which is the devaluation stage.
Read More: 3 Secrets All Narcissists Keep.
STAGE 2: Devaluation.
This is where their hot-cold push-pull behavior intensifies. They will start to get very disappointed in you because you will inevitably not be able to meet the unrealistic and ever-changing expectations they have. They will start to undermine you, belittle you, and criticize you. This stage is often where that hot-cold push-pull dynamic really gets a lot worse, as they alternate between moments of affection and then suddenly cutting you off emotionally, being ice cold towards you. They want to see you grovel and work very hard to get their approval and attention back.
Through this process, they begin to get control over your experience of emotional pleasure and pain relief. They may be gaslighting you, guilt-tripping you, and using all these tactics to maintain dominance in the relationship. When you try to stand up for yourself, they will escalate the drama and the mind games, trying to make you believe that you’re not good enough to meet their needs and that you’re at fault for these harsh punishments and emotional withdrawals.
The narcissist will often threaten to end the relationship unless you shape up. This devaluation stage is very exhausting; it leaves you questioning your self-worth and maybe even desperate to get back into that hero role because being the villain really sucks, especially after all of that love bombing. In this phase, the narcissist becomes more and more distant and dissatisfied; their list of complaints and criticisms gets longer and longer until it gets to a point where they can barely stand the sight of you. It’s like you disgust them. They can’t stand the way you eat, breathe, talk—everything irritates them.
For More: 5 Weird Addictions All Narcissists Have.
It’s important to recognize that this shift actually has nothing to do with you; it’s simply their pattern. They’ve done this to everyone before you, and they will continue to do it to everyone after you. At the same time, they will start looking for new sources of supply, new people to feed their ego. This can trigger your fears of abandonment and rejection, leading to feelings of anxiety, fear, and tons of self-doubt.
So, you’ll feel like you’re on this emotional roller coaster. When the narcissist is in a good mood, you feel like you can breathe; when they are cold or cruel, you feel anxious, maybe even depressed. You may be doing everything in your power to keep the relationship intact, to keep them happy, but the harder you work, the more the narcissist demands from you, and the less emotionally available they become.
Suggested Book: Prepare to Be Tortured: The Price You Will Pay for Dating a Narcissist.
STAGE 3: The Trauma Bond Solidifies.
In this stage, the trauma bond really solidifies. At this point, you become addicted, and this trauma bond keeps you invested in the relationship long after you know that you’re being manipulated and abused. The emotional roller coaster they’ve got you on leaves you feeling trapped because you’re desiring that love, affection, and validation that they used to give you, and sometimes still do, but you’re also crushed by their neglect and cruelty.
It feels like being in a maze with no clear way out, and anytime you even think of leaving, it causes so much emotional distress that you feel paralyzed in this endless cycle of chaos. Eventually, after you’re worn down by the emotional turmoil, the narcissist may suddenly discard you—either emotionally or completely—and you’ll be left scrambling to understand what went wrong and to break the addiction. To learn more about a trauma bond, click on the link here.
Read More: 10 Weird Mannerisms of People Abused By Narcissists.
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